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Why Men Continue to Masturbate While in a Relationship
- Jason Lawrence
- Aug 1
- 2 min read
Insights from a Person Centred Counsellor.
As a counsellor who works with men, one of the questions that often comes up in therapy — sometimes with guilt, sometimes with confusion and sometimes with the feeling of betrayal is
“Why do I still masturbate, even though I’m in a relationship?”
Many men wonder if it means something is wrong with their relationship, if they’re being disloyal, or if it makes them “abnormal.” The truth is, masturbation in a relationship is very common, and usually, it’s not a sign of a problem.
Let’s explore why this happens and what it can mean for men.
1. It’s a Natural Part of Sexuality
Masturbation is one of the most natural human behaviours. Most men learn to explore their bodies long before their first relationship. It becomes part of their rhythm of self-soothing, stress relief, and sexual expression.
Even in a healthy, loving relationship, that habit doesn’t just disappear — because it’s about self-connection, not rejection of a partner.
2. It Serves Different Needs Than Partnered Sex
Sex with a partner is about intimacy, connection, and mutual pleasure.
Masturbation, on the other hand, is often:
Quick stress relief
A way to release tension or relax
About curiosity or exploring fantasies privately
In therapy, I sometimes remind men: doing something alone doesn’t mean you value your partner any less. It just meets a different emotional or physical need.
3. Stress, Anxiety, and Emotional Release
Men are often taught to suppress emotions. For some, masturbation becomes a way to manage stress, anger, or boredom — especially if talking about feelings isn’t a familiar skill yet.
As a humanistic counsellor, I see this not as a flaw, but as a coping mechanism. Therapy can help men find other outlets, like exercise, journaling, or talking things through — but there’s no shame in the habit itself.
4. Curiosity and Fantasy Are Normal
Masturbation can also be a space where men explore fantasies that may never appear in real life. This isn’t a betrayal — it’s part of the inner sexual landscape. Fantasies rarely mean you want something different from your partner; they’re more like a private daydream.
5. It Only Becomes a Problem If It Interferes
Masturbation in a relationship is generally healthy unless:
It replaces emotional or physical intimacy with your partner
It’s used to avoid real-life connection or difficult conversations
It becomes compulsive or leaves you feeling disconnected or guilty
If this is happening, it’s a signal to pause, reflect, and maybe talk to a professional.
A Compassionate Takeaway
From a humanistic counselling perspective, the goal isn’t to judge or shame, but to understand your needs and choices.
Masturbation is not automatically a threat to your relationship. In many cases, it’s simply part of how men have learned to manage stress, connect with themselves, and navigate their sexuality.
If guilt, secrecy, or conflict are coming up around it, that’s the moment to talk openly with your partner or seek counselling — not because masturbation is “wrong,” but because your emotional wellbeing and relationship deserve honesty.
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