Updated: Apr 20, 2020
Thinking about divorcing?
Unfortunately, most of us misunderstand how separating and divorce works, which causes extra stress and difficulty. If you are just beginning to think about divorce there are a few things about the process that I think it’s really useful to understand at the outset.
It takes ages. It’s best to accept that you will have quite a few months of not really knowing what the future will look like. This is very stressful, particularly if you have kids. But there’s often no alternative, and banging your head against a brick wall increases the stress, rather than reducing it.
Chances are it will take two or three stages - agreeing to separate, moving out and coming up with a temporary plan, and then divorce. Each will need their own time to get used to before you can move on.
It’s not one process, but three. People think of divorce as ending the marriage, dealing with issues like how to divide the money or property, and sorting arrangements for the children all in one go. - But these are really three different processes, dealt with separately, but often going on at the same time.
If you have children, the first thing you will want to get clear in your head is how you will arrange things for them, in the short and the long-term.
Life is not like TV. Few people can afford, financially or emotionally, to fight a legal battle.
Some people think they need to get solicitors involved right away or go to court in order to ‘protect themselves’ and ‘get what they are entitled to’, but this is a costly and stressful misunderstanding of the system.
It’s best to agree as much as you can, either on your own, using family mediation, or (if you can afford them) having solicitors negotiate for you. Going to court is very much a last resort.
In fact most people can’t go to court about a family matter without showing that they have explored the idea of using family mediation first.
Family mediation aims to help you agree how you will live apart. You can use it to help you agree how you will divorce, divide money or property, and/or how you will both continue to care for your children.
You’re very unlikely to have to go to a court hearing if you can come to agreements about children, money and property, it all happens on paper, which is good because going to court probably isn't your idea of a great day out.
There is still no such thing as a ‘no fault’ divorce in the UK.
Nor can you agree that, as is true in most cases, it’s a mixture of bad luck and unfortunate actions on both sides.
One of you has to divorce the other, and you have to use one of five reasons. Who applies for the divorce does not affect who gets what or where the children live, but it can cause an immense amount of extra conflict, delay and stress on both sides. It will be much better if you can agree who will divorce who and what they will say.
There are no rewards for good behaviour or punishments for bad. What happens to the money isn’t affected by who had an affair, or who did what hurtful thing. 'Past behaviour' is listed as one of the criteria for deciding how money is divided, but generally speaking, it doesn't work like that. It only counts if it has been really, really bad or if someone is trying to hide money and assets.
There are no set formulas for working out who gets what. You need to try to agree between you (on your own or with the help of a mediator or solicitor) what happens to the money or the home. If you do take it to a court hearing, the court looks at what you both need for the future, not what you have put in.
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